These past couple weeks have been some of the most faith testing moments in my walk with my God.
For most people what I have been going through wouldn’t even register on their brain, honestly.
The only way I can describe it is, I have had such an internal battle with doubts, fear, anxiety, confusion, and questioning.
Throughout this entire time I have felt distance from our Heavenly Father.
“But you are in ministry and don’t you worship and pray like every day?
You hear from Him all the time.”
“Are you not a leader at that ministry school?
Aren’t you teaching classes about God?”
Those are questions that could come to your mind.
The answer is, Yes.
That means nothing, life happens to me just as much as you.
I’m Human, and I miss it.
This has been such a great storm in my life, that it has been one of the greatest moments of growth in my faith in my Abba God.
Because I have had nothing to run to, but my Faith…
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
Everything in my natural situations had been coming against the promises of God’s word.
From doubts of timing.
Fear of not measuring up, to my own belief in myself, or of others, or even from God.
Anxiety of what is to come.
Pressure to figure things out.
Not being able to “hear” God for myself, but it sure seemed He still was using me as a vessel for those around me.
Why things happened the way they have.
All those things have scripture tied to them of truth, to overcome those very lies.
But, it wasn’t an easy decision to believe the truth instead of the lies.
The lies where right in front of me, they actaully even made sense. And the “Truth” I couldn’t see and didn’t make sense.
Every day, every night, countless moments of emotions I haven’t seen or felt for a long time pouring over me…
I had to choose, to either live in Faith, or to just talk about Faith.
Every day was a decision of being authentic with God about what my feelings, and circumstances where saying, but every time coming back and standing on and moving in Faith, and in His promises…
When everything had been chaotic, I just had to cling to Jesus.
When I couldn’t control my thoughts, I clinged to His promises of taking my thoughts captive.
When I couldn’t stop wondering why He wasn’t ‘speaking’ to me anymore, I clinged to but I know you are here…
When I couldn’t speak up and out, I opened my mouth and just trusted the Spirit that was on the inside, and everything He had taught me.
When I felt numb to feelings, I was reminded of the power of just asking for help and receiving it.
When I couldn’t rationalize, and process how things were going to come to pass, I just let it go, and trusted He has my plans, and I only need to take steps.
When fear gripped my soul, I clinged to the Perfect love that cast out fear.
When I had anxiety about my future and how it was going to come to pass, I reminded myself of who was holding it.
When I didn’t have answers, I just asked Him, everything.
When I didn’t understand why, I just was real with Him, frustration and all.
When I couldn’t see an end to it, I remembered who said it was finished…
Those are only few of things I was shifting and being tugged in.
Those things, man, it wasn’t easy to believe those or move in those every time..
But I did it… I did it through Him…
Yes, my situation and circumstances haven’t changed, but something has changed in me.
I realized this about myself, that this “trial” proved something to about me, to myself.
That I’m in this for the long hall, that even when nothing made sense, and no one had answers, I still ran to my Faith, instead of running from it like years pass.
2. When trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great Joy. 3. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4
He has grown the endurance of my faith. While I was running my race with Jesus. Not when I was sitting down talking about it.
I may fall short more times then you could count up to in a life time, But I know this now, if I never truly did before…
God will be faithful.
Faithful to His Word.
Faithful to His promises.
Faithful to His Love.
Faithful to reveal answers.
It didn’t happen when I wanted it to. I wanted all this a month ago, when it first started to happen..
That’s not how our Father always moves…
He wants to see if you will climb and cling to Him.
Not because he is a bad God, but because He wants to make you stronger and truly see what and who you cling to…
We expect the ‘American’ instant coffee kind of prayer with God.
Instant food from window’s like McDonald’s. Clothes buying from online, we don’t gotta move from our beds.
We want instant when I want it, and not even when we really need it, we just want it now.
Well Instant Prayer answers isn’t always how God works sometimes it takes some of our time.
God is going to be faithful.
In a moment, just one second, all the pain, heartache, confusion, it all can vanish. It all could make sense.
You will realize that all of that, it was actually worth it, because you finally saw that your Faith, you ran to it and it was real.
Instead of running from it.
Endurance in our faith, is what God desires in us, in the “waiting” God is just wanting to prove His faithfulness.
God wants to work something in your faith, and in you, in your waiting.
He will be faithful, it is His nature.
Not just a saying or even promise…
Joseph iii
Philippines 1:6
Psalms 43:4-5
Romans 15:13
Isaiah 40:31
Desperately Dependent 